I need to express something, or do something. Do you ever feel like life is just utterly... blah? Not really bad, but not really good either. I want to do something epic. Right. Now. I had a whole great big night planned out, but everything fell through so now I'm just chillin'. Don't get me wrong, quiet time is good... but I want to go party... or do something exciting. Or even better... *create* something. I need some motivation in my life.

I need to not be angry at the way things panned out. I should be out doing things with people. I should be embracing the friendships which people offer instead of hiding in my room and sticking with the same group of people all of the time. It's just generally I'm happy with those people. But being enmeshed in people isn't healthy. Depending on other people isn't healthy. I wish I was 21 so I could get into bars and stuff... More I wish I had a car so I could get out of here.

I'm back to being completely pissed again tonight. Though I shouldn't be. My mind does fucked up things. I have demons telling me I should... I shouldn't... it's right... it's wrong... I should be alone. But it's alright 'cuz I am alone. It's all good.

So now back to sitting and staring at my ceiling. It's become my new favorite pastime. Be envious. You know you wish your ceiling was as cool as mine. Gah. I can't wait to get away from West Bend and go where there's stuff to do and people to see. I'm so... damn... N.O.T.H.I.N.G...